AMINE AND MANGA

Considering that almost nobody in the Fantastic Four actually goes by their alter-egos – given that they don’t hide their identities – it’s almost sad that Johnny Storm, a character with a great REAL name, has such a lame superhero name. Firestorm would have been great had it not been taken, but even just Torch would be fine – most people actually call him that anyways.

Quite possibly the dumbest superhero name ever. While Jean Grey is certainly loaded with powers even when she’s not walking around with the Phoenix Force, it’s hard to be inspired to follow anybody into battle when there’s the possibility of shouting “Marvel Girl, watch out!” While it was great when Jean got the Phoenix Force and used Phoenix as her name, the Marvel Girl was a failure that was probably just thrown in there by Marvel writers to associate her with the comics. I wonder if the characters within the books wonder what the hell a Marvel is from time to time.

One of those that you can respect the powers, but the name is just lacking. While Batman and Superman are still referred to by their alter-egos even by those that know them as Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent, I don’t think anybody has ever called Martian Manhunter anything but J’onn J’onzz. If nobody calls you by your superhero name, it’s sorta time to abandon it.

Never mind that she’s also sporting some incredibly bad powers (back when she had them anyways), but her real name is Jubilation Lee. They really just yanked out the -ation and gave her a name. Her superhero name sounds more like a childhood nickname than anything to be called on the field of battle, and in fact almost everybody – superhero, villain, and random man on the street, all call her Jubilee.

Kurt Wagner is an X-Men favorite. One of their most loved characters, his ability to teleport is something that we’ve all wished for at least once, and his ability to accept people that hate him not only for being a mutant, but because of the way he looks is nothing short of inspiring. But naming him after a worm? It’s actually a bit insulting to such a great character.

A character that mimics both Catwoman and Batman all at once. Mimicing the cat motif of Catwoman, while sporting a costume that looks like Batman with a different color scheme, Catman went ahead and combined both their names into one, making him one of the most unoriginal characters of all time. With any number of large cats out there just waiting to have their names used, it’s sad that he went with Catman.

With the exception of Captain America, anybody named “Captain…” is foolish. Given that I’m pretty sure none of them are actual Captains in a military force, I don’t know why Captain Marvel, Captain Marvell, Captain Fear, Captain Destiny, Captain Cold, Captain Comet, Captain Atom, Captain Boomerang and ALL the others that use the Captain moniker keep at it. At least Captain America was i the military and had the actual rank of Captain.

It’s bad enough being the sidekick to arguably one of the most mocked superheroes in history – I mean the Aquaman jokes are legendary. But to just take his name and switch out the “man” for “lad” is not only lazy, it’s uninspired. Hell, calling yourself Minnow, or Guppie, or just about any other small creature of the sea would be preferable to Aqualad. Not only does it perpetuate DC’s unhealthy obsession with “lads”, it also forever associates you with the failure that is Aquaman.

Hank Pym has used a lot of alias’ through the years, but he was, first and foremost, Ant-Man. While I do like the idea of creating a character that can alter his size, my first thought would be to grow (which he would eventually be able to do, taking the name of Giant-Man and Goliath). However, Marvel let Pym shrink, and then topped it off by letting him talk to ants. Sure, there millions of the things around at any given moment, but much like Squirrel Girl, it’s just not a name that inspires fear.

He’s probably more popular now than ever, though with a terrible costume, questionable powers, and a name that doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, it’s hard to imagine how. His only real function in the past decade has been his ability to spot Skrulls, otherwise I think it’s fair to assume that the 3-D Man would be off living a 2-D life.